Blog@GraceJunction

 

I had just returned from a long trip and was visiting the Soul Café after a long time. There were some visible changes to the place but most of it was only rearrangements. However, they were giving away Cold Coco at an almost ‘throw away’ price. I was surely going to try a couple of cups. I took the corner seat, ordered the Coco and took a relaxing position to make a review of the place. So many long discussions had ensued in that place!

Just then, Johnson walked in. Johnson was going to get married in two days. I expected him to be busy shopping or making other arrangements. Instead he had a renowned weekly in his hands. He looked as if in a daze. He greeted me and came sat where I was sitting. He put the weekly in front of me and with an almost petrified expression said, “I don’t believe this! Can people be so selfish!?” Seeing his exasperation, I realized that it surely was something to do with his impending marriage! I took the weekly in my hand and started reading what he asked me to. Vikram Karve was the author and here is the extract:

“She can take the flat, but I want custody of my son,” the man says emphatically to the marriage counselor in the family court.
“No way,” shouts the woman, “he can keep his flat, his money, everything. I don’t want anything from him. I just want my son.”
The marriage counselor looks at the eight-year-old boy and asks him lovingly, “Adi, tell me, what do you want?”
“I want both of them,” the boy, whose name is Aditya, who everyone lovingly calls Adi, says softly, perplexed by the situation.
“I think you both should give it a last try, at least for your son’s sake,” the counselor says to the couple.
“No. I’ve had enough. It’s over. We can’t stay with this man!” the woman says.
“We?” the man asks incredulously, “Well you are most welcome to go wherever you want, but Adi is staying with me. I’m his father!”
“And I’m his mother! Listen,” the woman pleads anxiously to the man, “I don’t want anything from you – maintenance, alimony, nothing! Just give me Adi. I can’t live without him!”
“He’s my son too. I love him and can’t live without him too!” the man says.
“See,” the counselor says, “You both love your son so much! I still think you should try to reconcile.”
“No. I want out,” the woman says.
“Me too!” the man says.
“Okay, let’s go in,” the counselor says, shrugging her shoulders, “Since you two have agreed on everything else, the judge will probably ask you the same things I asked you, ask the child, and then, considering the child’s age, let him stay with his mother and grant the father visiting rights.” “This whole system is biased in favor of women! I can look after Adi much better than her,” the man says angrily.
“My foot!” the woman says, “You’ll ruin his life. It’s better he remains away from your influence!”
“Please don’t fight inside,” the counselor advises, “You want an amicable mutual consent separation, isn’t it?”
And so, they separate.

The separation period over, they assemble in the family court for their divorce.

“I want to tell you something,” the woman says to the man.
“What?” the man asks.
“Well I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’ve been seeing someone.”
“And you want to get married to him?”
“Yes.”
“That’s great. Go ahead. Good Luck to you!” the man says, “and who is the lucky guy?”
“A childhood friend. Now he lives in the States, is here on a vacation.”
“So you’re off to the States?”
“Yes. Once all this is through.”
“Good for you.”
“It’s about Adi…” the woman says awkwardly.
“Adi?”
“I want to leave him with you. As a parting gift.”
“Parting Gift?” the man asks dumbfounded.
“We thought we should begin life afresh. Without the baggage of the past.”
“Baggage of the past? How dare you? Adi is your son!” the man says angrily.
“And yours too!” the woman says, “He needs a father. Especially now.”
The man says nothing. There is silence. And then he speaks, “A friend of mine has just moved in with me. Actually she’s more than a friend. She’s going to live in with me for some time, to get to know each other better, and then we’ll decide. I don’t think it’s the right time for Adi to stay with me.”
And so the man and the woman found their new life-partners and lived happily ever after, and their darling son Adi was packed off to boarding school. No one wanted his “custody” any longer and he was “free”.

Such are the travesties of life!

Heart rending story, but it is becoming the norm all around us. “The ego clashes for no plausible reasons, the entrance of the third person, the custody battle, the matter of alimony and finally the suffering of the children in the midst of all this, it is too much, isn’t it?”, moaned Johnson. “It’s surely making me jittery on the eve of my marriage. I mean, what’s in store for me!?” Johnson did sound disillusioned and I now had a job on hand.

Me: A true Christian’s marriage is bound to be different than rest of the marriages.

Johnson: How? I mean, the times and the moods are so undependable, so fickle, how would my marriage be different? I have all the true and right intentions, and I am sure, so did this couple who are fighting, when they themselves got married! Moreover, in recent times, I am hearing of couples filing for divorce in matter of days and weeks after their wedding!

Me: You are right. However there are a few things that both of you have to understand, settle it in your minds and hearts and use as the foundation of your marriage so that you are not tempest tossed with this mood of the last days!

Johnson: Ok start. I am all ears.

Me: The most important thing to know is that a Christian marriage is a covenant and not just an agreement or a contract. It is binding irrespective of the turn around in the circumstances and situations. It is binding “for life”. One is expected to never back track from it for any reason whatsoever.

Johnson: But Jesus does say that the covenant can be broken because of infidelity inside marriage. If the partners are unfaithful, isn’t there a provision for divorce?

Me: Jesus at that same juncture also mentioned that Moses had allowed divorce because of the hardness of the heart of men! God never planned or approved of divorce.

Johnson: So you mean to say that even in case of infidelity, the covenant has to be protected and kept. And that we should have a heart that forgives and suffers and receives the offender back again!

Me: Exactly. A Christian, for that matter, should look at any relationship, not just marriage, with an intention of what he/she can give and not what he/she will get. You are expected to be a living sacrifice and that includes sacrificing anything for the sake of keeping covenants, be it a covenant with the Lord or with your marriage partner.

Johnson: Isn’t it easily said than done? What if the other partner insists on breaking up and separating despite the willingness shown to forgive and compromise?

Me: Well, in such cases, you should buy some time and pray for God to intervene. My belief is that God will surely come in and save the covenant. The reason why God would do that is also because the covenant of a Christian marriage is not just a bi-party but a tri-party covenant. It’s between the husband and wife and God is a party too! Even if the husband and wife are willing, the Bible expects them to work it out for the sake of the covenant, because God never backs out of a covenant.

Johnson: Quite a difficult concept and understanding for a twenty first century liberated post-modern young man.

Me: Only our definitions about times have changed. Man hasn’t. He is still as grave a sinner to the core as ever and the heart still the wickedest! God has shown his faithfulness through his covenant to Israel and in the same way he also loves and stands by the church with which he has made the new covenant in his own blood. He has shown by example, how to treat a covenant.

Johnson: True, the faithfulness of God to Israel is a proof open for verification even in the twenty first century.

Me: Also, inside the union of the opposite genders, God has hidden the possibility of becoming “one flesh”. They become “one” not just in the physical union, but there is a intertwining of souls that happens too. To visualize it, you will have to imagine two pieces of clay of different colors mixed together to become a new entity all together. Once, they are brought together, it is impossible to have the original clay lumps back again.

Johnson: Do you mean to say, that a man and woman, when they join together inside or outside marriage, this phenomenon happens?

Me: Yes. And it is dangerous if the individuals are not serious about the union and are going to separate eventually. They take along with them a piece of the other person. That’s why God has allowed such intimacy only within the covenant of marriage and not outside it.

Johnson: And I always thought that God has this something against promiscuity. I mean, it’s as if, he hated adultery.

Me: Yes, definitely, God hates the unfaithfulness that is enjoined inside infidelity but much more than that perhaps is His concern for the parties involved directly and indirectly. When the adulterous couple calls off their relationship, there is hurt, pain and anguish to both them for sure but there is hurt and breach of trust of other parties who are or will be related to these individuals, like spouses and children.

Johnson: I understand what you are saying. I myself have gone through a hurt in the past. It can wreck you up for weeks and months. I have also seen the damage it causes to others. I know of the wife of my cousin, who was shattered because of my cousin’s misdeeds. She lost confidence in herself and also started remaining frequently ill for no reasons. Its after lots of prayer and time that she has come to terms with it.

Me: Yes. Therefore young people should stay away from any kind of linking ups with the opposite gender. It creates soul ties that can damage memories, reduce bond-ability and also spoil ones Christian life. But on the other side, there is immense potential hidden inside the “one flesh” entity, provided it is inside the marriage covenant.

Johnson: And what is that? You mean to say, if one of us can put a thousand to flight, two of us can put away ten thousand?

Me: Yeah, something on those lines. See, when God made Adam, He asked him to tend the garden. But after He had made Eve, He told both of them to have dominion over the earth. That in itself discloses the ability of the “one flesh” entity. Together they could dominate the earth! The married couple has the potential for greater endurance in tough times, has a greater reservoir of encouragement and refreshing for the people around them, has capability of a greater impact in and through their service and involvements, especially in Christian ministry.

Johnson: You mean to say, God creates a couple to accelerate the work of his kingdom and that I need to concentrate on the purpose of God in bringing us together.

Me: Yeah, God has purpose for every family and for the individuals inside every family but there is something we need to be careful about here. We start treating our lives and our marriages as far too important, especially in the light of God’s plan through it. That is a mistake. We forget that, this creation and everything in it is not only “from, of and by” God but is also “for” God. It is “for His pleasure” the entire creation came into being. So even our marriages is not about us, it’s “about him and for him”. So even as we protect the covenant and make the most use of the ‘one flesh’ blessing, the focus and ambition should be to expand and establish God’s kingdom and not our own.

Johnson: Oh come on. What are you trying to say?

Me: Marriage is a means and not the end. Remember, there are no marriages in heaven, so the covenant between the husband and the wide is not forever. It’s limited to the life on this planet. God uses the institution of marriage to prepare us. It’s inside the relationship of the marriage that God does his speediest work. We expose our true selves inside the relationship of a marriage. Outside marriage, we can all be best hypocrites, showing our best sides, but inside the relationship of marriage, these walls will crumble at least with time. Our anger and impatience and selfishness et cetera express itself.

Johnson: When you live continually with someone all the time, the façade of refinement and chivalry will surely give way to the raw and brutish self.

Me: Yes. God uses the situation of marriage for us to see our weaknesses and shortcomings in the new light and to work on it. We also have to understand that it’s our wives that God has chosen to prepare us for an eternity and vice versa.

Johnson: Interesting!

Me: God has chosen us to prepare them to meet God, and so we have to help, facilitate and bless them even as they get built up as the bride of the Lord. So if we see a short coming, drawback or fault in her, it is not a weakness, threat or a disadvantage, but an opportunity.

Johnson: Yeah, such foresight and insight can surely help gulp in a lot of those ego hurts and insults and displeasure. I can already see that there is much more to understand in this new light.

Me: I told you about Covenant, One Flesh and Purpose. C, O and P - COP. If you can let this “COP” police both of you, you will never be standing like Vikram Karve’s couple, fighting for custody of your child and then giving up the custody itself when life takes new turns!

Johnson: This talk surely has relieved me a lot. Please share this on my wedding day.

Me: I don’t mind. But even if I don’t, you can and should convey this understanding to your wife, before or after marriage. It’s really time that the protestant churches introduce pre-marital counseling for their marrying youths. The media and the society in general have surely sowed misconceptions and misunderstandings into them and have also opened them up for experimenting and also taking unwanted bold decisions. At least an attempt needs to be made to make them understand marriage, the relationship, and the in-depth view of God’s purpose inside of it, in the process making them unlearn a lot of unwanted stuff which is threatening the institution of marriage.

Johnson: I am sure there is much more that the marrying couple needs to know.

Me: Sure there is an awful lot. It’s not possible to tell it all. Most of the things the couple will learn only as they start living together but then there are things such as praying together and praying for each other, a clear understanding and division of needs, duties and responsibilities, providing security and love to each other, becoming role models especially to the children et cetera et cetera. You may in fact hear about some of it during your wedding, or else I also suggest that you read some good books about marriage written by good authors.

Johnson: Surely. The bottom line is: no breaking of the marriage covenant, preparing each other for an eternity, and releasing the potential of the “one flesh” entity while we are here on this planet.

Me: Bull’s eye.

I just wish and pray for the very best for Johnson’s wedding and his married life. Christians need to rise up and show the post modern society the blessings and love inside the covenant marriage relationship.

However, sadly, divorce of Christian couples is increasing notoriously. One of the reasons it is happening is because of parents often not training up their children in the way that they should go and also parents not living up to the values they are often found only preaching. In the pursuit of their own careers, parents often leave the bringing up of their children to grandparents, baby sitters, relatives, servants, and often to the TV! Even the priorities that are pushed down the children’s throat are baptized in materialism and worldly achievements. The generation has grown up with their own perspective and understanding of life and relationships, often in a direction quite opposite to that defined in the Bible.

The church too has failed the future generations as that of Aditya by not keeping standards high, by taking sides and going soft on evils lurking within its divine frame. May God bless the marriages here and may He prepare the bride for the marriage of the Lamb. God bless.

This entry was posted on Sunday, June 21st, 2009 at 10:27 pm and is filed under Geo, Soul Cafe. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.