Blog@GraceJunction

Johnson had a blessed marriage. I got an opportunity to speak at the wedding and it was a memorable event. The place where he got married was about eight hours by bus from where I lived. On the eve of the wedding, as we were traveling towards the destination by a bus, I sat by a young man I knew well. He had his phone in his hands and every couple of minutes he was looking into it. Suddenly it would buzz and he would start punching into it again and then repeat the waiting ritual! This was continuing since the time we got into the bus. He was only in his late teens and so he was certainly not finalizing the terms and conditions of some commercial deal for sure! But the communication via the ‘SMS’ was keeping him as engrossed as a big business deal would! (more…)

Since I knew him very well, I asked him what he was busy doing. He said, “Oh just talking to a friend of mine.” “Is everything okay? You look tense!” I asked. “Oh yeah, everything is perfectly fine,” he replied. It didn’t seem so. Suddenly the phone buzzed, and he went on to begin his ritual again but as he was adjusting his posture a bit, he carelessly displayed the message to me and though it was only for a brief moment, a few expletives in the SMS caught my eye, words that were not befitting to a normal chatter. I immediately said, “Hey what’s with all these words in your SMS?” Struggling momentarily he exclaimed, “Oh! Those words! That’s so normal. Everyone uses it. I don’t use it but I can’t stop others from using it! Can I?”

Just then the bus stopped at a wayside restaurant. It was close to midnight. I needed a cup of tea and so alighted. The teenager unexpectedly chose to accompany me! We walked into to this highway ‘Soul Café’!

Me: When I was in my school and even in my college, I had a notorious reputation of not speaking such words and strictly opposing the use of these in conversations that I was a part of. So whenever I joined my friends, such words were purposely avoided by the entire group!

Ivan: That’s great! Unfortunately, I don’t have such an influence on my peers. Every sentence they talk begins and ends with abuses and sometimes these words deck up the middle portions too!

Me: It’s called Cussing. It is actually an abusive behavior, only that it involves the use of language. It’s profane too. Sadly, it seems that the situation is worsening with every generation adopting more worse and more debased forms of expressing.

Ivan: Yeah, I agree! The young people feel like ‘tough guys’ once they speak these words. Gangsters, thugs, adventurers etc are always shown as using tough words and the young people almost romanticize this aspect about them and use them at the slightest pretext.

Me: Media has the biggest role to play in this, at least in the reach and impact of these trends. But then, media has no other option too. The developing economy has forced it to adapt as per the new social and economic equations in order to survive and thrive.

Ivan: I didn’t get you! How does a buoyant economy foster cussing?

Me: Since the 1950s, young people started working and emerged as the age group with the greatest propensity to spend since they didn’t have to pay for the house or the families etc. So the media stooped a level or two lower in terms of sensibleness and standard of the content just to cater to this age group. Obviously they were not as interested in politics and finance as they were in lewd humor, sexual innuendo and swearing. That’s what the media started catering.

Ivan: But I think the cussing is more of a ‘statement of aggression’ than anything about the content. I mean, the words are just carriers of the inner rage, period. It’s equivalent to the bark of the dog, but expressed in a language!

Me: Hey Ivan, don’t we have the dogs to do the barking? Did you know that even the movie industry warns audiences about language it considers inappropriate for children and young people to hear! It speaks volumes about a need for selectiveness in vocabulary.

Ivan: But many times, the young people really don’t mean what they say. It’s just a way of expressing their discontent and desperation. Just a verbal outburst!

Me: There is great power in words but when you use them carelessly, you trivialize them all together. For example, the casual use of “damn” trivializes the awfulness of divine judgment. Using “hell” as a cuss word diminishes the appalling thought of an eternity apart from God. Sprinkling conversations with expletives related to sexual intimacy demeans the sacredness of the divinely-ordained union of a man and a woman within the bounds of marriage!

Ivan: What do you mean when you say that there is great power in words?

Me: I will quote the Bible. The Bible says that God “spoke” this universe into being. He “spoke” and it happened! Then it also says that we are made in his image and likeness. So, albeit corrupt and greatly diminished, we do carry the image and likeness of “the Word” that brought everything about. So there is great power in words.

Ivan: Incredible! So you mean to say that we should be careful about what we speak? We can destroy by the careless usage of our words?

Just then, the tea came. It was one of the finest cups of tea I had ever had. The setting was nothing in comparison to my usual hangout, but they served good tea! I yielded myself for one more ‘chai’.

Me: As difficult as it might seem to believe, but yes it is true. There is power of life and death in our tongue. It does mean that we can bring people and situations to life and also bring in death by usage of our words! However, I saw it in a different light too recently. While my wife was in the labor room giving birth to our daughter, we were all sitting outside tense and distraught, because of the shrieks that traveled through the closed confines of that room to hit our hearts, before our minds. Our look and helplessness were similar to that of a home that had just lost its dear one forever! Suddenly I saw a similarity in the power of life and the power of death. An ability to corner us, and hurt us so badly that there was no respite but ‘wait’! Such a similar impact can also be caused by words! Isn’t that powerful?

Ivan: Yeah. But can a few words cause so much damage as you make it appear.

Me: Verbal abuse is just as equally damaging like physical. While the latter affects the body, the former affects the mind. It damages both the abuser and the abused. The abuser does it mainly because of a low-regard for self. Usually he fears that he is not “good enough” and/or meeting other’s expectations about him and so he used words to make the victim feel just as he feels. But it hampers his emotional development and over time can damage his self-esteem, emotional well-being and even physical state. It escalates eventually into physical abuse.

Ivan: What can happen to the victim?

Me: If it is the father or the husband that constantly does the cussing, the victim usually suffers from lower self-worth and low self-esteem. Some fall into clinical depression and post traumatic stress disorder. In case the victim is a child, it can do more damage than physical abuse.

Ivan: So for a child the cane is a better option than words that hurt!

Me: Certainly. The Bible says, “Spare not the rod!” It’s sad that some countries do not allow the parents to spank their children, but when they are small, they can take the physical abuse more than verbal abuse! In fact, the former is safer.

Ivan: Is there any way to help a verbally abused child?

Me: You need to look for the symptoms to realize that a verbal abuse might be affecting them. If they remain isolated, don’t have many friends, or change friends frequently, if their grades fall etc, immediately they should be helped. They will need a lot of emotional support and encouragement and a re-affirmation of their worth and dignity.

Ivan: Suppose I just ignore the cussing and abusing and continue doing what I have to?

Me: The habit of tolerating abusive behavior may keep someone unaffected for sometime, but it could create problems in the long run. In the process of ignoring their actions completely, we may end up giving an impression that we are cool and comfortable with their behavior! Also, they get encouraged thinking that their ill-demeanor is acceptable in the relationship. They would never come out of it!

Ivan: So then isn’t ‘tit for tat’ the best way to keep them quiet? I mean cuss back!

Me: It has been found that a tit for tat only aggravates the problem and never solves it! You should perhaps tell them straight off or wait for an opportunity to explain to them about how you feel about their habit of swearing and cussing!

Ivan: What about the cussing inside marriage?

Me: Even if they might do it just for fun, it not only deteriorates the bond that a couple shares, but also instills a feeling of disrespect for each other. They may not realize it but it happens and on a future date, it will resurface in uglier avatars. Frequent cussing by either of the partners can also make their communication to shift frequently from the subject matter to the words used during cussing.

The bus driver was now honking and calling us back. I was time to move on. We got into the bus to continue our conversation.

Ivan: Have you heard about McKay Hatch?

Me: Oh yeah. www.nocussing.com. Hatch formed a “No Cussing Club” after he saw his classmates curse too much when he was in seventh grade. His parents made sure that he didn’t curse either at home or at school. He wanted his friends also to follow that same etiquette. But he had to endure abuses from others who heaped curses on him whenever they saw him.

Ivan: Yeah, and in the month of March, the Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors decided to have a ‘No Cussing’ week. Hatch wants to propagate his idea to the whole of California and the world next!

Me: Too far-fetched but a noble proposition. But visit some of the forums on the net, or view the comments on the blogs or the news articles or even Youtube videos, and one will be scandalized. Why can’t the new generation talk straight and talk sense! Instead of talking about the subject, they attack people. They ridicule, mock, revile, humiliate, disrespect with words. They manipulate words and people, and sometimes, they gang up to isolate someone who takes an unequivocal moral stand.

Ivan: Why look on the net, just look around? They speak words and do things to reject someone and make someone feel unimportant, e.g. saying things such as “Who wants to be with you?” or “No one would go out with you”. Sometimes they hurt people by not allowing them to sit beside, and not allowing them to join in events. They call people with disabilities or learning difficulties as “pests”. If the race or ethnicity is different, they tell them to get ‘back to where they came from’! I have heard of someone with a facial and body disfigurement being told to leave the premises as they were creating a ‘health hazard’ and causing discomfort to other customers’. I mean, it is bad out there. And while they speak all this, they rain cusses all through. McKay, I can say, is disconnected from reality. It’s difficult to keep quiet when someone strips you publicly with mere words.

Me: Oh, tell me that. It’s almost impossible. But I have realized with time and experience that there is more virtue and wisdom in not retaliating. The Bible says that on the Day of Judgment man will give an account of every careless word he has uttered! We are accountable not just for our lives, our abilities and our resources, but also for what we speak!

Ivan: But it is so difficult to be so alert as to watch every word!

Me: The psalmist David sang in prayer, “Put a guard over my mouth, O Lord, keep watch over the door of my lips!” We actually need help.

Ivan: What kind of help does the Bible offer other than asking us to pray about it?!

Me: Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks! It’s very important to check - what is the “abundance” of your heart! What you feed it most is what will feature in the verbal expression.

Ivan: You mean to say that I should read the Bible and the Bible only?

Me: Well, young man. If you can do that, Yes! But, no, it doesn’t mean you have read the Bible only but you have to be very choosey about what you feed your mind and heart and also make every conscious effort to filter your talk. Moving around in a company that doesn’t entertain such talk would be a good beginning.

Ivan: I have changed my group too. But still, when provoked, it’s only that I don’t utter as often as earlier, but the word does play inside my mind.

Me: I understand. You will improve with time. You will not recollect the cuss to speak it. James, another renowned writer in the Bible says that the tongue is a fire and an unrighteous world among the members of our body. It sets on fire the cycle of nature and is set on fire by hell.

Ivan: Frankly, I didn’t get much of it. Sometimes, the Bible can be dreary.

Me: It’s only that our mind wavers a lot. Put your mind to it and you will be blessed. I was like you but have changed. Here, James says that the tongue has it source in hell and like fire it can ravage anything on its way! So there is a need to change the source of the tongue’s fire and ire.

Ivan: Do an operation? Cut it away? What do you propose?

Me: Cutting away won’t help you, only others, because you will still be playing with the fire in your heart and mind. Jesus told his disciples to wait for a few days before they ventured out to share the gospel. A few days later, on a day called Pentecost, tongues of fire sat on them and they spoke in different tongues! The source was changed. Their tongues were transformed and touched and changed forever! That’s the experience everyone needs.

Ivan: Interesting! Once this happens, will I be free from all filthy talk?

Me: It does a great help by impacting our basic nature. I cannot substantiate it but only vouch for it from my experience and of many those whom I know. It helps us to put away all filthiness, evil talk and coarse joking.

Ivan: Coarse joking? You mean now we can’t have the fun too! Avoid jokes too!

Me: You can’t have the fun at the expense of someone else. You should not put down the dignity of someone else and hurt them! Certainly no! Paul says that our speech should be gracious and seasoned with salt. It should fit the occasion and should be edifying people. One of my friends who leads a sales team says that his team doesn’t work unless he uses abusive expletives! I showed him another team that did better without being driven by cuss!

Ivan: Yeah I agree. But what is the meaning of speech seasoned with salt?

Me: It’s a metaphor. It’s like saying that our speech should have a flavor that people will enjoy. It should have in it healing and comfort to help the hearers preserve themselves, just as salt preserves. It should make people thirst for what you have in you. Your words should be seasoned in a heart that’s not filled with filth but salt! It’s worth doing a separate study on the characteristics of salt to learn and adopt from it.

Ivan: What is edifying?

Me: Edify means ‘to build’. Our speech should build people and not destroy. It should encourage them and not hurt. It should inspire them and not put down. It should augur peace and not confusion. It should spread joy and not grief. It should foster love and not hatred. It should be gracious, giving merit to even those who do not deserve it!

Suddenly the phone buzzed again. It was from the same sender. I asked if it was cuss-filled! He nodded. He deleted the message as a symbolic act.

Me: I am glad you told the truth. We should put away all falsehood. Note that I am not saying that we should put away lies, but that we should put away all falsehood! Anything that has a resemblance of a lie, which includes white lies, should be put away.

Ivan: I didn’t realize that there was so much into even the act of speaking. I have decided to clarify to my peers about my decision. No more cussing. No more coarse joking.

Me: It makes more sense. Out of the same mouth, will we bless and cuss too! We know how to use different hands for different activities, different cloth to wipe the floor and to wipe our dishes, different spoon for the pickle and the jam, different soap for the hand wash and the bath, different basins for the dish wash and the mouth wash et cetera then why use the one mouth we have to praise god and then also to shower curses!

The taste of the tea was fresh on my tongue. But as of now, more than celebrating the tasting role of my tongue, it was time to recommit myself to use my tongue more judiciously and righteously and ensure that it was set on fire by the Holy Spirit. I should not let what comes out of my mouth defile me.

People of every culture have cleaned up their language when they come to faith in Jesus. That’s been true down through history. It’s one of those “new things” Paul speaks about as he writes to the Corinthians. Through the ages, the new tongue of believers has resounded with dignity and respect.

Let’s continue to say, “Let there be light”. Amen and God bless.

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 16th, 2009 at 10:45 pm and is filed under Geo, Relationships, Society, Soul Cafe, Trends, Youth Issues. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.