Too much 4 too little
By: Navin (August 11th, 2008)
Doctor,
It’s been a long time since I spoke to you. I remember when I first met you during a counseling session at my college. Well, I have been greatly helped by you in getting rid of some of my addictions. Your techniques to counter them helped me to come out of it easily. My parents were really happy to hear about my de-addiction.
I wanted to invite you for my marriage, but circumstances were such that I could not. You know Reema who was my junior in college and you have been our common friend for a long time. Even now when we talk, we do remember you. Well after those good days when we met, both Reema and I took a liking for each other. We loved each others company and things just worked out.
We were seeing each other till a few months ago, when suddenly one day I came to know that her parents forced her to get in to another marriage. You know her, she can do anything but go against her parents. I tried my level best to convince her but ended up facing the ire of her parents and brothers.
A couple of month’s back I also got married, my wife is from a very humble background, simple and grounded to her traditions. Both of us are reasonably happy with the marriage. But there have been some cracks developing lately. Not because she is not able to adjust,
I believe it’s all my problem.
I thought marriage was just two people coming together and a chance to start things all over again. But increasingly these days I am finding it more complex. Well, I am writing this letter because I could not find anybody else to confide in and problems are such that I needed your help. Well, before my marriage, Reema and I had quiet an emotional and physical bonding. We were just so naïve, not thinking twice before getting in to it.
Today every time I meet my wife, I am not able to understand her fully because I put so much of emotional involvement in to my relationship with Reema that I yearn for her smile, her jokes, her pranks and much more. Although my wife is a very good partner, I am just not able to take my mind off my old relationship. I can’t stop making the comparisons, which will have a devastating effect on my marriage.
Even, our physical relationship has become unsatisfactory. Every time there is this guilt that does not leave me which keeps me from getting involved completely. As if there is somebody telling me that I am cheating, which leaves my wife thinking that I am not interested and that she has been lacking somewhere, which is not the case.
As you can see, both on the emotional and physical level I am being tormented. What did I do to myself that I am paying such a heavy price? Did I give too much in to a relationship with no commitments? Or am I giving less to my partner who has trusted me and entered this marriage?
Probably, relationships are more than just physical, they involve a person’s heart, soul and mind also. Too much was given for too little. Want you to help me come out of this situation.
August 12th, 2008 at 8:46 am
yes….I think God has instituted marriage and not permitted relationships ‘outside marriage’ not just because He doesn’t like it or its against His plans and designs…. its also because of our make….the way God has made us….and what we are…
He knows our frame and our constitution…and He knows that we will get involved not just physically but mentally, intellectually, emotionally and how all not…. and the coming together of two individuals at intimate levels is not just superficial… God has made us such that…. this union makes deep inroads…. and creates deep impact into our being…. it is this characteristic that makes romance so exciting in the first place….
the relationship is so intertwining… union so powerful that the reversal of it has only one way - ripping it apart….. such a ripping causes deep hurts, anguish, frustration and pain…. God knows that it will hurt… and so he has put two checks….
check 1. do not commit adultery/fornication
this stops us from entering into a intertwining and intimate relationship without a covenant and promise of staying together at all times… the oath or promise made in the marriage is to protect the interests of both the partners…. marriage acts as a safeguard to a relationship… therefore the oath includes in sickness and in health, in poverty and in richness…good and bad…. etc etc
check 2. do not divorce
this stops us from ripping ourselves apart from another individual, in the process hurting ourselves and the other person too…
but the problem with the world is that, it looks at God as their enemy for putting a leash on their freedom…. they think God is the enemy of their free will and choice and he stands in their way of living their lives as a want to….. while… God is only trying to protect each individual…
I hope people will stay away from exposing themselves to relationships and entanglements outside the covenant of marriage… it is too risky and it can literally splinter and shatter the individual when it breaks…. it has messed up lives, it has messed up marriages…. it has messed up innocent children to become worse off than their parents themselves….
the doctor cannot help this guy. God can. But only if he surrenders and approaches God.